On Losing Someone You Loved with All Your Heart

On July 27th, 2023, I lost my father in law – Mohanan Nair, to cancer.

I am not new to death, I have seen many loved ones bid goodbye to this cruel world. I am still recovering from the back-to-back deaths of two of our cats – Boo and Kiku, a couple of years back. I lost my maternal uncle earlier this year due to liver cirrhosis. I have said goodbye to scores of relatives, friends, coworkers, and acquaintances over the years.

Yet, Achan’s loss has hit me hard. In the hardest possible way, to be precise.

Today is the tenth day since his passing, yet the mental wound is still fresh – the void he has left shows no signs of going away. I am learning, in the worst possible way, about how grief punches you in the gut when you least expect it, pinning you down and breaking you into pieces…

I was very close to Achan (literally translates to “Father” in Malayalam). Even though he was Archana’s (my wife) father, he was a literal father figure for me too. He was an emergency contact in my phone, and after Archana, he was the person I always called to proudly share about the small wins in my life. I have only known him for the past nine years, but it feels like he has been with me for decades together.

Achan lived a full-life. Born in the town of Ponkunnam, in the Kottayam District of Kerala, India, Achan faced his first challenge in life at an early age, as his family suffered an economic downfall. The weight of supporting his family fell on his elder brother and he. He realized the worth of education early on in life and found himself working odd jobs to pay for school in tough times. Despite all his hardships, he went on to find work in central government organizations – a journey which eventually led him to the premier Indian Space Research Organization (ISRO), where he worked hand-in-hand with pioneers like the former Indian President Dr. A.P.J. Abdul Kalam. Achan rose up in ranks thanks to his hard work, secured an MBA degree, and retired as the head of the transportation department of Vikram Sarabhai Space Centre in Trivandrum in 2010. He went on to work at the Indian Institute of Space Science and Technology (IIST), as a chief consultant before retiring for good in 2017.

Even while securing laurels in his professional life, Achan never forgot to enjoy his life. He enjoyed the finer things life has to offer, and made a group of thick friends, with whom he always kept in touch. He worked hard to pay off debts in the family and helped marry off his sisters at an early age. He himself got married to Sathy Devi (my mother in law) in his mid thirties, and eventually fathered two daughters – Aparna and Archana (my wife) in the coming years. Family always came first for him, with Friends coming next. He ensured that his family was well-supported and saw his daughters securing higher education, landing excellent jobs, and starting their own families. He also had his own set of health scares in between before cancer, which included several medical procedures and two bypass surgeries. Yet, his jovial nature and indomitable spirit, helped him conquer all these challenges with a smile on his face.

If marrying Archana was one of the pivotal moments in my life, gaining Achan as a father figure through marriage turned out to be a milestone in its own right. I still remember the very first time I met him in-person; it was when my parents formally visited Archana’s home to talk about our marriage proposal. Achan was kind, cordial, and full of joy. He welcomed us with open arms, and was as frank and straightforward as a person could be. He won me over in the few moments we chatted. We would meet again, several times, over the course of the next few months even before we got married. Every single time, he greeted me with a beaming face, and offered a warm welcome that I rarely got from my own family members. I enjoyed all the love and warmth he showered on me, even in those initial days, and felt proud that I have him in my corner.

Little did I know about how this person would bowl me over in the coming days…

From Day 1 as his son in law, Achan treated me with kindness and respect. I was touched by how this person cared for me. I could see that he genuinely enjoyed spending time with me, and I felt the same way. It was clear that he treated me like his own son, and not as an in-law – and it was vice versa from my side too. Archana doted on her father, and I could see why, within a few days of our marriage. Achan would listen to me eagerly and even ask me for my advice and feedback on various matters. But I benefited more from his treasure trove of knowledge than the other way round. When I decided to resign my public sector bank job for Automattic, he was one of my biggest supporters in this decision – even when my own parents were up in arms. I remember how he patiently listened to all that I had to say about my decision, and how he advocated for me throughout.

Achan was also one of my biggest cheerleaders. I could see him well up in pride when he heard about even my small wins in life. No milestone was small enough for a pat on the back and kind words from him. He also cared a lot about me, he would religiously track my flights whenever I travelled abroad, and follow my whereabouts (only to make sure I was OK) whenever I drove long distances. We never spoke frequently though; my interactions with him were very less in frequency, as he lived in Trivandrum and I lived in Kochi. But whenever we spoke – either in-person or on phone, I could feel a warmth in his voice that always made me feel at home.

Last week, I lost this pillar of support forever.

Achan’s cancer diagnosis came earlier this year. It was a shock to all of us. He approached the deadly disease (fourth stage of pancreactic cancer) with a fighting spirit, nonetheless. I have heard him say that he has done all the things he wanted to do in life, but he wanted to live longer. He decided to fight the battle against cancer. In March 2023, he suffered a massive health issue, caused by a sudden cardiac arrest, but the fighter that he is, he came back from his deathbed, literally, and resumed his cancer treatment. However, his body was weak and his vital organs were all functioning in limited capacity, but none of that would deter his indomitable spirit. This man wanted to live. He braved unbearable pain in his left-leg caused by the metastasis and continued to keep fighting for several months. After his last chemotherapy, his kidneys started causing trouble, leading him to be hospitalized. Medicines stopped working and eventually in the wee hours of Thursday July 27th, 2023, he breathed his last due to Sepsis in his kidneys, caused by pancreatic cancer.

Achan’s loss has left an irreparable hole in my heart. Our family did our best to save him, and the obnoxious optimist that I am – I was so sure that I’d see him alive. It was devastating to see his lifeless body in the hospital bed in the wee hours of that fateful day. In a few hours’ time, i would see this body burn to ashes in front of my very eyes. Perhaps, I was not ready for his passing? Even when doctors mentioned that he may not have a lot of time left, I refused to believe their diagnosis. I was so sure that he would live on, but alas…

It is hard living in a world without Achan’s physical presence.

I miss his reassuring words, his unconditional love, his humor, and his care. The whisky connoisseur that he was, I used to get him the best whiskies from all over the world from my travels, even though I don’t drink alcohol myself. I have no one to do that now… No one will ask me my “live location” or live flight tracking details when I travel… His support and care have played a pivotal role in my own growth and success. I don’t have his shoulders to lean on now…

I cannot even begin to think about how Amma (mother in law), chechi (sister in law), and chettan (brother in law) are… I see their pain everyday, and it hurts so bad. My wife was his youngest daughter, and she absolutely doted over him – she is broken and devastated by his loss. I see her crying to sleep every night, unable to bear a life without him.

I’ll be honest, I have no idea how life ahead will be without Achan’s presence. We take people for granted, and we never ever realize how our lives would change when they leave us forever. Death is a reality, a fact of life – our family is slowly realizing the suddenness and permanence of it. We are beginning to find our way in a world without Achan. I always wanted to tell him in person how much I love him, but I never got a chance – it will continue to be one of my biggest regrets in life.

But deep inside, I know that Achan has not gone anywhere, I have his memories with me, and perhaps his guardian spirit too, which is looking down from the heavens, supporting me through thick and thin.

Rest in power, Acha. I miss you so much. I will love you forever.

The Last Ink Drop
Even though Achan is gone, his legacy lives on… Our family is overwhelmed with support from the hundreds of people he calls friends. More than our own relatives, his friends really came through to support us in his tough time. Their kind words and unconditional support, bring us some cheer in this tough time…